So, last week I had about a day and a half where I was just bummed out. I couldn't pin point exactly why (Thanks hormones.) but I missed my mom and I missed my other baby. I know that since there wasn't any chance that it was ever going to form into a person since all I had was just an empty sac, but you still have an idea of how your life is going to be with that new little life. And I, like any other mother, envisioned my life with a new little baby.
Like I said, during those couple days where I was feeling down, I couldn't remember when our first baby would have been due. And I couldn't find my old day planner, but knew I had kept it. And I haven't been able to satisfy that need to know.
When was my first pregnancy due to end?
Today I found my old day planner, went online to calculate my due date - and my other baby, would have been due October 31 and would be a little bit more than a month old right now.
I'm at odds how to feel about all of this. I'm not really sad. I'm happy that I'm not mourning the loss anymore. I'm happy that I'm pregnant right now and I'm halfway to my due date now. But part of me is upset that I forgot when my little bundle was due - and that the date came and went and I didn't notice or remember. I thought I would. If I don't remember, then who will?
I am glad that it doesn't take up all my thoughts anymore. I used to think about it everyday. Multiple times a day. Now there are whole days in between where I don't think about it and life is moving on like normal. (Which is okay).
Today, I go to the hospital to get my last ultrasound. The ultrasound where I will (hopefully) find out the sex of this little one. And while I know I'm going to have a good day and I will be excited no matter what it is, I think that today will be bitter sweet.
It's a good thing I decided not to wear makeup, because I might have left the hospital later with my mascara running.
<3
ReplyDelete