Body Image and Miscarriage - My Experience Part II

Right after my day surgery, I was surprised how well I seemed to be doing mentally(Along with everyone else who knew I miscarried). I think it took me about two weeks for the emotions to really hit me - and when they did it felt like a speeding train had just knocked me on my ass. The emotions came in waves and just as soon as I thought I was going to be okay, another wave would hit and I would be just as devistated as before.

I think they only emotion I didn't feel was guilt. I didn't feel guilty for feeling the emotions I went through, or that I wasn't able to produce the child that I had already started to love. I didn't feel guilty about not finding a job after my last work contract had ended. I knew that I had to recover emotionally and mentally and that the emotions had to run their course.

I did however, feel disconnected from and betrayed by my body. I remember thinking, "I can't even make a baby - that's what I was made to do." My heart hurt. I was told that it would be okay and I couldy try to have another baby right away, which made me angry. I didn't want to get pregnant again right away. I didn't want to have another child growing in me while I was so hurt. And I really didn't feel right about trying to use another pregnancy to help me get over my loss. They just didn't understand.

One of my good friends told me of her moms experience when she lost her twins. She recalled a conversation on the phone where her mom said "Your twin siblings would be this old today." She asked if her dad remembered the date and her moms reply was no. While my friend and I were talking, she said that while your friends and family might be there to support you in an event like this, you really are dealing with it on your own. After that conversation I carefully looked at my interactions and conversations with those who are dear to me and realized that she was right. As much as my friends and family didn't want me to hurt anymore, I was on my own, and I was the only one who could help me.

I remember a short period of time where I felt like eating food was a waste. As much as I knew that it was the furthest thing from the truth, I didn't think that I was worth wasting the food I ate. And since I knew that these thoughts were untrue, I made myself eat, and I made myself eat well the entire time I felt that way about eating.

As time went on, the waves of emotion got stronger and there is one specifically that was absolutely the worst. I was out grocery shopping and even though I'd been abstaining from sexual activity while I was ovulation, I had "pregnancy test" on my shopping list. I walked up and down the aisles and put the things I needed in my cart, but for whatever reason (and the reason now escapes me) I decided not to buy a pregnancy test.

Well, I can tell you, that on the drive home I was absolutely regretting the decision. I was hyperventilating, my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel, my muscles were tense - I was having a panic attack and worrying that (even though I'd been abstaining from sex) I might be pregnant. I'd already passed the drug store and was over the bridge to get home, I decided that it would be best to drive to either of the two stores by my house. I walked into the first one and speed walked to the hygiene section. No pregnancy tests. I went across the parking lot to the next store. Bolted to the hygiene section on the verge of tears. No pregnancy test. "Well isn't this just my luck?" I braced myself for the (very short but seemingly forever) drive across the bridge to the Rexall.

The end result - I wasn't pregnant. I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with my loss and also deal with being pregnant before I wanted to be again. It was also this panic attack that made me think that I had to start seeing someone that I could talk to. I got a hold of the mental health director in my area and she set me up with a great counsellor named Nancy. My first appointment all I did was cry. And throughout our sessions Nancy asked hard questions that really made me think and sometimes didn't even know how to answer.

The funny thing was, that very shortly after we started our sessions, I started thinking that things were getting better and I wouldn't have to do many more sessions and even though I was always expecting another wave of emotion to hit - it didn't. The last session I had, I ultimately cancelled, because I'd just found out that I was pregnant again and had an ultrasound in the afternoon after my morning session with Nancy. I really didn't want to take the chance of being upset by the time I was supposed to be getting the ultrasound. I wanted to make sure (and needed to know) things were okay before I saw Nancy again. Even though the woman doing my ultrasound wasn't supposed to tell me anything, I told her that I'd had a miscarriage, that I was going out of town for two weeks and wouldn't be able to see my doctor until I got back. She turned the screen around to face me and showed me what was going to be the baby I'm carrying now. Just the tiniest thing. So far it was just a yolk and sac. (In my previous pregnancy, there was no yolk or anything, jsut an empty sac) I had hope then. "I have a yolk!" I was in between 4 and 5 weeks, so really, we couldn't see ANYTHING... lol.

On the drive home somebody close to me said, "You're going to be a mom!" and I replied with, "We'll see..." They looked at me and said, "You are supposed to be the positive one, you aren't supposed to talk like that." All I could say in return was, "Look, I would rather be pessimistic about this and be wrong than get my hopes up and be excited and then be knocked on my ass again."

I went on my trip to visit my friends and family feeling a little more at ease. I dealt with nausia and my first actual experience with morning sickness (while I was sick with a cold, nonetheless) I had my sister give me a lot of reassurance and advice... and an awesome pregnancy pillow. I had my mom scold me for not taking it easy enough or for picking up my nieces and nephews - in her defense, one of my nieces is eight and my two year old nephew is the size of a four year old. Understandable, right? Shortly after I got back from my trip and I'd settled back in at home, I contacted Nancy and told her that I was doing well and no longer needed our sessions and thanked her for all the help she'd given me.

As time has gone by, I've grown more comfortable and excited with believing that things are going to be okay. I don't push myself when I'm doing my chores or walking the dog. I try to listen to my body as much as I can. I eat well most of the time. I sleep and rest when I have to. I make it a priority to not worry about things and and try to be calm and relaxed for my sake and my babies sake.

Now I'm nearly 14 weeks and in my last ultrasound I saw my baby kick and squirm. I laughed and was so overwhelmed at this amazing little person growing inside of me, litt heart beating and trying to get that little thumb in it's mouth.

I still get sad sometimes when I think about my first pregnancy and how excited I was when I took my pregnancy test and saw those two little lines. How shattered I was when I found out that it might not work out. How devistating it was when I found out that the pills didn't work, that I was still pregnant and had to have surgery. I think about all the crying I did and how I felt about myself and my body and all of the emotions that came afterward. And I think about how we have so much to look forward to in our life together.

And somehow, it's all worth it.

Body Image and Miscarriage - My Experience Part I

This is a topic that I wanted to cover shortly after I had my miscarriage and when I started the Body Image series (which, to be perfectly honest, I still have to finish... I have about 3 or 4 other body image posts just waiting in my drafts)

I think that body image is a tough topic to tackle on it's own. I think it's especially difficult to discuss when body image is combined with a loss that is as deep reaching as a miscarriage. And in truth, people don't openly discuss miscarriage. Sure, we talk about it with our close family members and friends or maybe even more distant family members or friends you don't see or talk to as often if they bring it up, but it's not widely discussed beyond those boundaries. Even doing a web search of miscarriage and body image, I found very little.

And with good reason. You feel betrayed by your body; some women feel guilty and it's easy to feel like there is something wrong with you or that you're defective.

My experience, was a roller coaster ride to say the least. For those who know me personally or have read my blog previously will know that in March I had to go to the hospital. I didn't know I was having a miscarriage for sure, but I wanted to be safe and be checked out. In the pregnancy books they tell you that with a miscarriage you feel severe pain and may have severe bleeding. I didn't have anywhere near severe pain, and there wasn't plenty of blood either. So I was hopeful that things would be okay and at most I would have to quit my job and take it easy at home.

That was the start of my miscarriage.

They found that my pregnancy hormone hCG wasn't nearly as high as it should have been. I was at the hospital for hours, had blood tests done and had an ultrasound. They told me I had to go home for two days and then come back to see if there was an improvement or if my hormones continued to decline. (I think we know what ended up happening) These two days were the most stressful I can think of in my short life, and it was full of worry, crying and not knowing what might happen. The doctor who had been taking care of me gave me some pills to help my body clear out what it needed to in a bit shorter of a time frame. I was sad, but I found a little comfort in the fact that there was nothing I could have done to change things. I went home and back to work. I was doing okay.

At a two week check up, they did more blood tests and another ultrasound - I was still pregnant. Oh-FUCK! The pills they gave me didn't work, and they didn't have much hope that they would work after a second dosage. They gave me some time to think about what I wanted to do. I decided that rather than take another course of the meds and possibly be disappointed again in another two weeks to go the day surgery route. I scheduled a D&C that took place in April. The recovery time was a week.

By the end of April, I had been dealing with the same miscarriage for a month, had day surgery - the exact thing they refused to discuss in the first place (Not that I would have chosen the day surgery at that point anyway)

I remember coming out of my snooze after the surgery, there was a woman talking to me saying that I was in the hospital and I was doing really well and that we were done. She asked how I felt, and (with closed eyes, since I was groggy) I felt a single tear roll down my cheek as I said "That was supposed to be my first baby..." I guess she already had a tissue on hand, because she wiped away my tear and put the tissue in my hand.

Pretty much as soon as I was coherent, I looked down at my belly. It was big, swollen and empty. It felt a lot like pizza dough. I've never seen my belly that big and it was strange.
Afterward, I felt A LOT better than I expected mentally. I remember talking to my sister on the phone saying the exact same thing to her. And I remember her saying something like, "Ohhhh honey, it hasn't hit you yet." She knew what she was talking about through her own experiences.

And little did I know, she was exactly right. It hadn't hit me yet, and it was just the beginning.

It's Been A Heck Of a While, Hasn't It?

Hi there reader!

It's been brought to my attention that it's been ages since I wrote and it's not something that's escaped my mind. My (few) readers will know that I launched this blog after a miscarriage and subsequently gained quite a bit of weight due to comfort eating. I wanted to have something in my control since my emotions were not in my control. (Far from it)

I've delayed writting anything recently because well, I have good news - I'm expecting a little bundle towards the end of April!

I did wait to tell a lot of people that I am with child and have only very recently made it 'Facebook Official". I was very cautious (and a little nervous) at the beginning of this pregnancy. I listen a lot to what my body is telling me. I rest or sleep when I'm tired, I eat when I'm hungry... and I eat even when I'm not hungry. I still get out and walk my dog and am staying relatively active. I've focused a lot on being relaxed and not getting too worked up about the negative or annoying things in life.

This pregnancy is also going really well so far. I'm at the end of my first trimester and so far and I have a little lime sized bundle growing inside me. My family doctor says things are looking really great so far.

All that being said, I haven't thought about the direction this blog will take and it's a little puzzling to try and figure out where I want it to go. Should I direct it more towards having a healthy attitude towards life/health blog? Should I direct it to more a "These are my thoughts" blog? I'm unclear on where I want this to go so far.

What is your opinion? What do you want to read?



A picture of my most recent preggo belly shots

A picture of my most recent preggo belly shots.

Through A Rapists Eyes

Now, I know this doesn't have to do with weight loss, but I figure that every woman (And men who have women they love in their lives) to read this. Take the time, it might save your life, or someone else's life!




THROUGH A RAPIST’S EYES” (PLS TAKE TIME TO READ THIS. it may save a life.) Reblog this!

It seems that alot of attackers use some tactic to get away with violence. Not many people know how to take care of themselves when faced with such a
situation. Everyone should read this especially each n every girl in this world. THOUGHT THIS WAS GOOD INFO TO PASS ALONG…

FYI - Through a rapist’s eyes! A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:



1] The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle.
They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun! , braid, or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2] The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women who’s clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3] They also look for women using their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4] The number one place women are abducted from / attacked at is grocery store parking lots.

5] Number two is office parking lots/garages.

6] Number three is public restrooms.

7] The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they don’t have to worry about getting caught.

8] If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn’t worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9] These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas,or other similar objects that can be used from a distance, in their hands.

10] Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you’re not worth it.

———————————————————————————————————————————-

POINTS THAT WE SHOULD REMEMBER:


1] If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk:
can’t believe it is so cold out here, we’re in for a bad winter. Now that you’ve seen their faces and could identify them in a line- up, you lose appeal as a target.

2] If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell Stop or Stay back! Most of the rapists this man talked to said they’d leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would
not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

3] If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes,) yelling I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY and holding it out will be a deterrent.

4] If someone grabs you, you can’t beat them with strength but you can do it by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and
armpit or in the upper inner thigh - HARD. One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her and was so upset she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand it; it really hurts.

5] After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy’s parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you’ll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more, but the thing these rapists told our
instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause him a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he’s out of there.

6] When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using
much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

7] Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if you can and if you see any odd behavior, don’t dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel
little silly at the time, but you’d feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

——————————————————————————————————————————-

FINALLY, PLEASE REMEMBER THESE AS WELL ….

I know you are smart enough to know these pointers but there will be some, where you will go “hmm I must remember that” After reading forward it to someone you care about, never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.


1. Tip from Tae Kwon Do: The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do it.

2. Learned this from a tourist guide to New Orleans : if a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM. Toss it away from you…. chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or
purse than you and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car: Kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won’t see you but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping,eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON’T DO THIS! The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side,put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU CLOSE the DOORS , LEAVE.

5. A few notes about getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
a. Be aware: look around your car as someone may be
hiding at the passenger side , peek into your car, inside the passenger side floor, and in the back seat. ( DO THIS TOO BEFORE RIDING A TAXI CAB) .
b. If you! u are parked next to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
c. Look at the car parked on the driver’s side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out. IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot).

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP IT! It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked “for help” into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

Send this to any woman you know that may need to be reminded that the world we live in has a lot of crazies in it and it’s better safe than sorry.


If u have a heart or compassion reblog this post.
‘Helping hands are better than Praying Lips’ – give us your helping hand.

REBLOG THIS AND LET EVERY GIRL KNOW
ATLEAST PEOPLES WILL KNOW WATS GOIN IN THIS WORLD.
So please reblog this….Your one reblog can Help to spread this information.
I hope you all will Reblog. Lets See how many of you really care for this.
DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT NOT REBLOGGING THIS! IT COULD ACTUALLY SAVE A LIFE.

Photo Saturday! A Collection of My Favourite Pics!

This week, I celebrated Canada Day ina nearby park with great friends, free BBQ and cake and awesome activities.

It was great to see everyone get together in our small community and enjoy our countries 145 birthday. The weather was decent, with sunny skies and cloudy periods. By the time the BBQ ended we had some rain showers that didn't last that long. The cotton candy I brought home condensed in my shirt and wasn't fluffy anymore. (But hey, cotton candy is still cotton candy, isn't it?)
Then I went to the fire works with friends. And managed to get some pretty good pictures :D

Someone had some fun playing with sparklers, I had
fun taking pictures of people playing with sparklers

This is one of my very favourite pictures of the fire-

works that I took

This is a close second.

This is Chatum, the first dog I walked as an SPCA
volunteer dog walker! (adopted)

 I've also started volunteering at the SPCA as a dog walker!

I'm really hoping that eventually I'll get some time in for some training, but I'm glad that I can help out the animals none the less.

I think it's a worthy cause.

This is Brownie, a lil spit fire! (pre-adopted)



And Ruby, a 16 month old pup with eyes that are two
different colours. (adopted)

And! Here is the newest member of my little family!

From the first time I walked Chatum, I was pretty much in love! He is such a good walker, listens well and is such a happy dog!

I'm luck to have him!

"I'm so glad to be home!"

                                      At home for just a couple minutes, and he
                              already he has a favourite toy!

Photo Friday: A Collection of My Favourite Pics

 Lately, I have been doing A LOT of biking. I've been using my bike to get to appointments instead of driving to get in some exercise (not to mention, it's a lot faster than walking)

I'm REALLY grateful that I invested in my bike.


On my way to the beach today, I was startled to see a
doe on the side of the road. Thankfully when the shock
wore off, I was able to turn around and get some pics :)

I was surprised how close she let me get to her, although, for safety I did stay in the car. I took a lot of pictures, and out of all the ones I took, I liked three of them. (Always the way with photography isn't it? At least now we don't have to spend loads of money on developing a roll of film for only a few pictures that turn out :D )


Pretty girl, isn't she?

I spent a good hour and a half at the beach today. I didn't really do any swimming, but I did get some sun in and I did get out of the house. Now, hopefully I didn't get a bad burn - I did put on sun block... I guess we'll see later on tonight.

 Super young dragon fly! He was still trying to dry off his wings when I waded out to this log with my camera (Thank goodness I didn't drop it in the water!) He didn't seem all that worried with me there.

They Don't Call It A Challenge Because It's Easy

Let's face it, weight loss is chalk full of ups and downs. It's exhilerating, it's empowering and you feel great with a sense of accomplishment after a good workout. But then there are those other days, aren't there?

The other days where you didn't eat breakfast because you had an appointment to get to or you didn't eat protein in all of your meals because you had to go shopping or were lazy. You decided that "Hey, pizza seems like a great idea... and I REALLY don't want to make dinner in this heat tonight...". That craving for something sweet really caught up with you and you bought a tub of ice cream. OR your spouse makes it hard to stick to your diet commitment to healthy eating.

Since I have started my weight loss challenge on May 1st, I went from 180 lbs to 170 lbs (YAY!) but after a few weeks of inactivity and poor eating choices, I gained nearly four of those pounds back (nearly...)Since then, I have started the INSANITY workout with my friend Caroline, and I am almost back down to 170. One more pound to go until I'm back, baby!

Shortly after I started my weight loss challenge, I was having a rough time with my emotions from the miscarriage and found it difficult to get into workout mode. As I Was talking to one of my high school girlfriends she said:

"If anything, I have to look at you choosing a really hard time to make a change like this. Look at the good days as your time to relax and enjoy life, see what you are working for as something good for yourself and on the bad days, let them be bad. Go for a run, an fight it off. Like the punching bag effect I guess. Those feelings are so justified, I cannot even begin to understand or relate to them but just knowing you have to experience it makes me hurt. On and off (waves of emotion) is a good thing, that there are good and bad times now. Not all bad."

And she is TOTALLY right. I did chose a super hard time to try to lose weight and be disciplined when all I want to do (some days) is eat my emotions and take comfort in food.

The thing I have to keep reminding myself when I do have bad days is:

1. I do feel better when I am active and exercising, even when having a bad day.
2. I am worth it to ensure I am living a healthy lifestyle.
3. It is worth the effort to make sure that our future children have a healthy and happy mom who is a good role model.
4. It will (and is getting) get better, it just takes time.
5. I can let the bad days be bad and then move on.

I am also really excited to say, that as of tomorrow, I am starting to see a councellor about the miscarriage! Her name is Nancy and I'm looking forward to meeting here and hopefully together we can help me to move on and get prepared for my (eventual) next pregnancy.

How have you been doing lately? Are things crazy where you are or are you just strolling and enjoying the scenery?