Oh, The Changes One Year Can Bring

It was something that was said at my baby shower, "It's amazing the changes one year can bring..." and it's true. It's AMAZING.

In the past year, one of my girlfriends pointed out, that two of us were now pregnant (one of our babies has been born now), one of us got married and another has received her visa and is now a citizen of our beautiful country. (We're glad we get to keep her :D ) All of our years have been full of ups and downs, but the closer I get to my due date, my more profound it is to me.

One year ago today, I would have already known that I was pregnant. My first pregnancy ever. I couldn't wait to share the news. And I didn't feel bad about spreading the word. I told friends, I told my hair stylist from where I used to live, I told pretty much all my family. My cousins, my favourite aunt, my grandparents, mom, dad, sister and brother and the list goes on.

A few weeks from now (last year) I found out I was having a miscarrage. And after that, I would find out that the pills that were supposed to help my body "clear things out" and recover from my miscarrage more quickly didn't work - and that I was still technically pregnant with a child that would never be.

One month after the beginning of my miscarrage, I went to the hospital with a few loved ones and underwent day surgery. A D&C since my body couldn't get expel the fetal tissue by itself. A month of being "pregnant"

I can tell you, that there were lots of tears, some anxiety, shock and a delayed (albeit short) stint of depression. I remember talking to my sister on the phone shortly after my D&C and saying that I felt fine mentally, and *really* I was okay. I remember her on the other end quiet... and then said gently, "Oh honey, it hasn't hit you yet..." I remember thinking,  (I might have even rolled my eyes a little) "Hasn't hit me? It's not going to, I'm fine." And little did I know, it hadn't hit me yet - I was just in shock. And THEN the emotions and crying came.

Waves and waves of emotions and crying. After one wave would pass, I'd feel great and think, "Okay! That was the end of that, let's move on with life." And then shortly after, another wave would come rolling in and it felt like the undertow would take me below the surface and I couldn't breathe. I would panic and start to wonder when this would end. I got tired of thinking that maybe I was okay, just to be knocked on my ass again. Eventually, I just expected the waves of sadness to come - and ironically,  when I expected them to come - they stopped. And really, thank goodness, because after a month of going through a miscarrage, surgery and dealing with the loss, I was glad when it was over - even if I did expect another wave to hit me for quite a while.

I think that the volunteer work that I did, the time I spent outdoors for the spring/summer and getting a new dog really helped to pull me though, along with the amazing support I had despite being so far away from home and my family.

And today, I am 32 weeks pregnant and going into my 33rd week. My little girl is rolling around and throwing punches - and she is REALLY strong. And *really* active. It hits me almost every day that in a few short weeks I'll be strapping her into the carseat (which I'm going shopping for today) and taking her home - it's such a wonderful thought and I can't wait until that day is realized.

The difference this past year has made is huge and profound. How I went from mourning the loss of a child that I would never meet to anticipating the arrival of another - I can't even begin to explain. The transformation and how far I've come. From sorrow and having no interest in even thinking about starting to try and have a family; and then starting to be okay with the possibility of trying again; and then going through the process of being prenant - even with the doubt and anxiety and frequent visits to the doctor and having to get ultrasounds early on to feel like this really might happen. Really getting from that low point to being at peace with the way things are.

I can look back at me and my situation a year ago, and not be sad or cry or feel like something is missing. (I feel like I've started rambling since the beginning of the last paragraph, so maybe I should wrap it up... it's clear in my head how I feel, but I'm not sure I have the words to express it clearly...)

I guess, if I could tell me from one year ago anything, it would be that everything will work itself out and you will be okay. Those waves will come and and feel like you're being pulled out to sea, but you're heading somewhere new and wonderful... but for heavens sake girl, keep that life jacket strapped on tight, and make sure you don't lose your bikini!