Missing Mama

(I wrote this last night as I was having a hormone surge and started bawling as I was scooping ice cream into bowls. I rarely have mood swings, so I sort of wanted to document it.)

I'm crying into my ice cream, my tears blurring my vision - my nose dribbles.

I'm crying because I miss my mom. My wonderful mom who is kept away from me by two time zones away and by two provinces. My mom, who used to be my anchor to the world. My mom who is about to be a grandma again for the fifth time. The grandma of my first child - due in ten weeks.

I cry more when I start to think that one day, the little girl in my belly might be crying for me one day, too. My dog looks up at me, not sure how to react or what to do. He slowly walks to his bed in my room and lays down... then looks at me sadly.

I think about how I want my mom to be here, hugging me and rubbing small, firm circles into my back with the palms of her small, soft hands. Just like she did when I was a little girl and  when I was growing up. (And when I was first pregnant, visiting my old province for two weeks. We ALL got sick... and I had my first experience with morning sickness. I pouted, sat on the couch beside her and threw the upper part of my torso onto her lap and wept softly for a few minutes. Sniffling. Moms back rubs didn't make either sicknesses go away, but they did make me feel better.)

I think about how she isn't going to be here for the birth of my little girl. My sweet little girl. Instead of coming earlier, she's decided to come after - makes sense, she doesn't want to completely miss out on meeting her newest grand daughter. I worry that while I'm in labour, even knowing that I will having amazing strength and support with me, I'll be crying and wanting my mom.

I don't know how everything is going to play out by the time I'm in labour. Heck, maybe if she were going to be here, it would be like after my miscarriage - I wanted to be independant and do everything on my own. Maybe I will wish my mom were there. Anyway it that it goes, I know that shortly after the arrival of my first I'll have my mom here visiting, taking the baby from me and telling me to try to go to sleep, walking the dog, cleaning and making meals.

And that's enough for now. Knowing that in the end, she'll be here when I need her. And probably rubbing small, tight, firm circles into my back.