Feeling A Little Insecure

In the past couple days this week, or maybe even as far back as late last week, I've started to feel a little insecure. *sigh* I think it's a couple different issues that I'm working through, and part of it, I find really hard to articulate.

First, the part that's hard for me to put in words or try to explain. As comfortable as I am with my preggo body, and knowing how beautiful and amazing I am, my amazing air of confidence is starting to wear down.

I'm super proud of my preggo body, which I think it's so hard for me to explain. I try to dress well and in a way that accentuates and flatters my new figure (despite my limited wardrobe - two pairs of mat pants and a collection of about 3-6 shirts, 2 sweaters that I wear on a regular basis... plus whatever accessories I add for the day) and I make an effort to do my hair and makeup. Not only does all of that make me feel awake and ready for the day, but it makes me feel good that I take pride in my appearance. Dressing in clothes that fit, doing my hair and makeup was something that I practiced even pre-pregnancy.

Not to mention the fact that I'm constantly told that the shape of my belly is really nice. It was strange to hear from other women (of whom have been pregnant before) at first, but I have known, even more so now that I've been joining in on pregnant groups, that our bellies come in ALL shapes and sizes. Really, no two are alike. I'm also constantly told how beautiful and great and amazing and attractive I am.

Another reason why it's so hard to put into words is because I've never felt so wonderful/happy/beautiful as I have since I've been pregnant. Really, I get absolutely giddy with how wonderful/happy/beautiful I feel. And sometimes even down-right sexy. "Seriously? I'm fucking awesome!"

What I've started wondering the past couple days since feeling conflicted is, how many men who are involved with us pretty preggos who watch porn? For whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt the baby; or his lady has lost all interest in carnal activities; or maybe he honestly doesn't feel there's anything attractive about a pregnant body; or, what I think is a funny prospect - maybe he's too optimistic about the size of his manhood. In any case, I'm not about to ask any man in my life who has been involved with a pregnant woman if he watched porn during the pregnancy for whatever reason - honestly, I don't think we preggo's really don't want to know. Not that I would normally really care either, men are visual creatures, and I think we can all agree, porn is very visual. And it's a super safe place to watch something that you might fantasize about that you might not really necessarily actually want to do.

Another thing that has been bothering me, and I can see this going back quite a while, (like... months, or maybe even years) is that I've started thinking that maybe I'm not quite "best friend material". I don't remember details that well... let's face it, I have the memory of a goldfish. I also don't feel super confident in my conversational skills... which is why I appreciate that with the girlfriends that I have, conversations just happen organically and we can really talk for hours... even hours past the time we'd intended for our visit. Really, THANK GOD! Otherwise, in a lot of cases, I feel like a crippled conversationalist.

I suppose it doesn't really help that in the past 10-15 years, I've moved. A LOT. Most of it was of my own volition. But really, moving so often makes it hard to make friends when you're an adult. In school it was SO easy wasn't it? If you moved while you were still in school, you had a new friend by the end of the day, if not then, at LEAST the end of the week! When you are working and out in the real world, creating friendships is a whole other beast.

And of course, we all have that one friend, who we get along with fantastically, but we can rarely ever get time in with. You know the one. They kind of have a busy schedule and include lots of activity in their lives. So when it comes to making plans for coffee or lunch or even a walk, we say something like, "Anytime works for me, let me know when works for you." When that fails for the first few attempts, we might try to narrow the time frame down and say something like, "Anytime works for me, let's try for sometime in the next week or two, let me know what works for you, I know you've often got plans."

We love them, we really, really do. And by the time we actually get to hang out with them, we have such a good time and the chat was so good that we feel guilty that we were ever upset and frustrated that they are super hard to make plans with - but then the whole cycle starts again doesn't it?

Then we start thinking that maybe they don't really like us. Or do want to make plans with us but right before it happens, something else comes up and they think, "Hmm, yeah, I'd really much rather do this instead." Or, and hopefully this isn't the case - we're boring! Maybe we just ramble on, but don't put any emotion into the tone of our voice while we are telling a story. Maybe they think we just don't have anything interesting to say.

Or whatever.

My point is, it sucks. And we wonder if the frustration is worth it (until we actually get time in... where again, we feel silly that we were ever upset to begin with) See? There it is again... the "Flakey-Friend" cycle.

Anyway, that's really the end of my self concious rant for now.

What periods of your life have you felt self concious or insecure? Were there a few things that made you feel that way or one specific thing? Let me know!