Dreaming About My Girl

WHOA! I *just* remembered a dream I had last night about Victoria!
I could feel her moving and she felt SUPER strong, and I lifted up my shirt to look at my belly - and HOLY COW! I saw her tiny foot *really clearly* through my skin (but her foot was about the size of one of my finger nails.)

I was so excited, that I absolutely HAD to show the people who were around me!
I pointed it out, and as I showed more people I could see more and more of Victoria... until she was nestled in the palm of my hand! Outside of me and doing fine. Despite her tiny tiny size, she could breathe and was strong.

Ahhhh! I can't wait to meet this little girl!

Bakin' Up A Storm Monday

It's Monday today, and aside from my usual "to-do's" on my list today, (Clean bathroom and brush Chatums teeth) make  I'm baking :)

I have a friend in my prenatal nutrition group who is moving, and tomorrow we are having a "unpacking the moving boxes party" and I thought it would be nice to have some baked goods that we could all enjoy while we chat and unpack, as well as a house warming gift. (Remember in my baby shower post how I mentioned that it's almost impossible for me to go to someones house without bringing something... or at least offering?)

I've already started on cookies. I've chosen Chocolate Kissed Gingerbread Cookies from: http://www.beckybakes.net/2010/12/10/chocolate-kissed-gingerbread-cookies/
And Admittedly, I was planning on making these for the Christmas holidays, but I never got around to. So, I'm testing them out now. I did add chunks of candied ginger, which the recipe doesn't call for, but I didn't realize before I did my Christmas baking shopping, that I lost my old gingerbread recipe THAT I LOVED. So, I have lots of candied ginger.

I'm also doing a variation on my favourite banana bread recipe, which I got in a baking recipe book as a gift almost 5 years ago. (William-Sonoma Essentials of Baking) BEST baking cook book EVER... seeing as how I don't have any nuts (which are optional in the recipe, and I don't know if anyone will be allergic to them at the unpacking party) or chocolate chips. I prefer the banana bread with chocolate chips instead of nuts.

But today? Instead of either, I'm going to try with cranberries. I'm still not too sure how it will turn out, but, I have some cranberries that I flash froze in my freezer just sitting there in the freezer bag. We'll give it a shot. I'll update to say how things went.

What are some of your all time favourite recipes? Have you tried any intesting variations with your favourite recipe?

Update: Bustin' Out Of My Funk

So, you know what's fantastic?

Yesterday evening, after I wrote my post about being self conscious and in a funk - I BROKE OUT OF MY FUNK!

I was sort of listless and didn't know what the heck to do, so, I went out and picked up some things that I needed, bought a bag of dill pickle chips (and ate the whole said bag in the front seat of my car, still parked in front of the store.)

It took me a little while after coming home until I started myself getting back to normal. And I tell ya, I took in a huge breath and let that sucker go in a HUGE sigh of relief! It was a big weight off my shoulders and it felt really nice to feel like my light and bubbly self again.

On another note, my feet and ankles are suffering from pregnancy... They've started to swell every now and then. Today I had to head to the store to pick up a few things, and getting my slip on Naturalizers on was... not quiet challenging, but my right foot (the bigger of the two) was REALLY snug and I could feel the sides of my leather shoes digging into my poor little foot. (Little? I have HUGE feet, just so you know, if I wear white shoes, it looks like I have skis for feet.)

On another note, I'm super excited about dinner tonight, I'm trying out a new recipe! Tonight I am trying coconut "breaded" chicken. Here's the link below:

http://sexfoodandkettlebells.com/home-sfk/2012/10/16/coconut-curry-breaded-chicken-wings-with-paleo-sweet-thai-ch.html

Since I don't have curry currently, I think I'll try cajun seasoning instead, and at some point I'll post and let you know what I thought.

Now here are a couple questions for you:
1) What's the longest time you've ever spent in a funk and what helped you to break out of it?
2) What's the most recent recipe you've experimented with? Did you love it, or would you really not want to make it again?

Hoping you have a fantastic day!

Feeling A Little Insecure

In the past couple days this week, or maybe even as far back as late last week, I've started to feel a little insecure. *sigh* I think it's a couple different issues that I'm working through, and part of it, I find really hard to articulate.

First, the part that's hard for me to put in words or try to explain. As comfortable as I am with my preggo body, and knowing how beautiful and amazing I am, my amazing air of confidence is starting to wear down.

I'm super proud of my preggo body, which I think it's so hard for me to explain. I try to dress well and in a way that accentuates and flatters my new figure (despite my limited wardrobe - two pairs of mat pants and a collection of about 3-6 shirts, 2 sweaters that I wear on a regular basis... plus whatever accessories I add for the day) and I make an effort to do my hair and makeup. Not only does all of that make me feel awake and ready for the day, but it makes me feel good that I take pride in my appearance. Dressing in clothes that fit, doing my hair and makeup was something that I practiced even pre-pregnancy.

Not to mention the fact that I'm constantly told that the shape of my belly is really nice. It was strange to hear from other women (of whom have been pregnant before) at first, but I have known, even more so now that I've been joining in on pregnant groups, that our bellies come in ALL shapes and sizes. Really, no two are alike. I'm also constantly told how beautiful and great and amazing and attractive I am.

Another reason why it's so hard to put into words is because I've never felt so wonderful/happy/beautiful as I have since I've been pregnant. Really, I get absolutely giddy with how wonderful/happy/beautiful I feel. And sometimes even down-right sexy. "Seriously? I'm fucking awesome!"

What I've started wondering the past couple days since feeling conflicted is, how many men who are involved with us pretty preggos who watch porn? For whatever reason. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt the baby; or his lady has lost all interest in carnal activities; or maybe he honestly doesn't feel there's anything attractive about a pregnant body; or, what I think is a funny prospect - maybe he's too optimistic about the size of his manhood. In any case, I'm not about to ask any man in my life who has been involved with a pregnant woman if he watched porn during the pregnancy for whatever reason - honestly, I don't think we preggo's really don't want to know. Not that I would normally really care either, men are visual creatures, and I think we can all agree, porn is very visual. And it's a super safe place to watch something that you might fantasize about that you might not really necessarily actually want to do.

Another thing that has been bothering me, and I can see this going back quite a while, (like... months, or maybe even years) is that I've started thinking that maybe I'm not quite "best friend material". I don't remember details that well... let's face it, I have the memory of a goldfish. I also don't feel super confident in my conversational skills... which is why I appreciate that with the girlfriends that I have, conversations just happen organically and we can really talk for hours... even hours past the time we'd intended for our visit. Really, THANK GOD! Otherwise, in a lot of cases, I feel like a crippled conversationalist.

I suppose it doesn't really help that in the past 10-15 years, I've moved. A LOT. Most of it was of my own volition. But really, moving so often makes it hard to make friends when you're an adult. In school it was SO easy wasn't it? If you moved while you were still in school, you had a new friend by the end of the day, if not then, at LEAST the end of the week! When you are working and out in the real world, creating friendships is a whole other beast.

And of course, we all have that one friend, who we get along with fantastically, but we can rarely ever get time in with. You know the one. They kind of have a busy schedule and include lots of activity in their lives. So when it comes to making plans for coffee or lunch or even a walk, we say something like, "Anytime works for me, let me know when works for you." When that fails for the first few attempts, we might try to narrow the time frame down and say something like, "Anytime works for me, let's try for sometime in the next week or two, let me know what works for you, I know you've often got plans."

We love them, we really, really do. And by the time we actually get to hang out with them, we have such a good time and the chat was so good that we feel guilty that we were ever upset and frustrated that they are super hard to make plans with - but then the whole cycle starts again doesn't it?

Then we start thinking that maybe they don't really like us. Or do want to make plans with us but right before it happens, something else comes up and they think, "Hmm, yeah, I'd really much rather do this instead." Or, and hopefully this isn't the case - we're boring! Maybe we just ramble on, but don't put any emotion into the tone of our voice while we are telling a story. Maybe they think we just don't have anything interesting to say.

Or whatever.

My point is, it sucks. And we wonder if the frustration is worth it (until we actually get time in... where again, we feel silly that we were ever upset to begin with) See? There it is again... the "Flakey-Friend" cycle.

Anyway, that's really the end of my self concious rant for now.

What periods of your life have you felt self concious or insecure? Were there a few things that made you feel that way or one specific thing? Let me know!

WORST Pet Parent EVER! :(

It's official, I am the WORST pet parent EVER!

This evening, Chatum got to one of the chicken bones left over from my dinner off my plate - and it's my fault... I left my plate inside one of the cubbies of our coffee table instead of putting it ON the coffee table, because well, right now the coffee table is a little bit cluttered... and I hate clutter to begin with.

I went into the kitchen to do something, and all that could be heard from the living room was "CRUNCH!"

At first I thought, "I'm sure I brought my plate to the kitchen!" But sure enough, he had half a chicken bone sitting on his bed in the living room... with the other half nowhere to be found *heart jumps into throat*

I called the emergency number to his vet, (even though I kind of figured I knew what they would say this early in the game) and really, there is nothing that can be done except watch and wait. Watch to see if he becomes lethargic, if he vomits, has diarrhea, any sign of blood etc for the next 3-4 days.

No car rides for this puppy... who is used to getting a daily trip to the dog park (which we have to drive to), shorter walks and less activity as to not upset his digestive system.

The good news? There isn't a need to fast him or change his diet in the meantime. I'm really hoping that things work out for the best and this poor boy doesn't need surgery or... well... worse.

Cross your fingers!

...And I'll be sure to put my dirty dishes in the sink straight away from now on.

Missing Mama

(I wrote this last night as I was having a hormone surge and started bawling as I was scooping ice cream into bowls. I rarely have mood swings, so I sort of wanted to document it.)

I'm crying into my ice cream, my tears blurring my vision - my nose dribbles.

I'm crying because I miss my mom. My wonderful mom who is kept away from me by two time zones away and by two provinces. My mom, who used to be my anchor to the world. My mom who is about to be a grandma again for the fifth time. The grandma of my first child - due in ten weeks.

I cry more when I start to think that one day, the little girl in my belly might be crying for me one day, too. My dog looks up at me, not sure how to react or what to do. He slowly walks to his bed in my room and lays down... then looks at me sadly.

I think about how I want my mom to be here, hugging me and rubbing small, firm circles into my back with the palms of her small, soft hands. Just like she did when I was a little girl and  when I was growing up. (And when I was first pregnant, visiting my old province for two weeks. We ALL got sick... and I had my first experience with morning sickness. I pouted, sat on the couch beside her and threw the upper part of my torso onto her lap and wept softly for a few minutes. Sniffling. Moms back rubs didn't make either sicknesses go away, but they did make me feel better.)

I think about how she isn't going to be here for the birth of my little girl. My sweet little girl. Instead of coming earlier, she's decided to come after - makes sense, she doesn't want to completely miss out on meeting her newest grand daughter. I worry that while I'm in labour, even knowing that I will having amazing strength and support with me, I'll be crying and wanting my mom.

I don't know how everything is going to play out by the time I'm in labour. Heck, maybe if she were going to be here, it would be like after my miscarriage - I wanted to be independant and do everything on my own. Maybe I will wish my mom were there. Anyway it that it goes, I know that shortly after the arrival of my first I'll have my mom here visiting, taking the baby from me and telling me to try to go to sleep, walking the dog, cleaning and making meals.

And that's enough for now. Knowing that in the end, she'll be here when I need her. And probably rubbing small, tight, firm circles into my back.

And It Occurs To Me...

Lately, it keeps occuring to me that soon, I won't be pregnant anymore - I'll be a new mom. I'll be in the middle of doing some activity or I'll be in a daze, just coming out of a nap before I realize, "Holy crap! I'm going to be a parent soon! I'm going to have a baby! I'm going to have this living, breathing amazing little person who is going to depend on me!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not nervous, I've had TONS of experience with kids... I used to babysit tons and I used to be a nanny. (Except now I won't be able to give this kid back after a couple hours or the end of the work day... that will be new.)

It just amazes me that soon it's all going to be over. A little more than ten weeks - if we are going by my EDD.

Who knows, she might come a little early like her cousins did... but that's up to her isn't it?

When I have these (constant) revelations, I wonder how I'm going to feel. Will I just be happy that she's out and I won't have the intense pain from my bad hip and these AWFUL knots between my shoulders anymore?

Will she cry so much that I wish she could be back in my tummy?

Or will I want her back in my tummy because I miss feeling her move around or I don;t like feeling 'empty'? I'm sure I'll be getting more excited about the prospect of seeing her and holding her and witnessing how she will change. And dressing her up in her cute clothes... because by now, this kid has more clothes than I have...

I guess time will tell how I'm going to feel in the days and weeks that follow little Victorias birth.

Until then, I'm going to appreciate the special bond that only I can have with her right now. My little girl. My little bundle of love. My little... monster who thinks that my bladder is a squeeze toy...