Body Image and Miscarriage - My Experience Part II

Right after my day surgery, I was surprised how well I seemed to be doing mentally(Along with everyone else who knew I miscarried). I think it took me about two weeks for the emotions to really hit me - and when they did it felt like a speeding train had just knocked me on my ass. The emotions came in waves and just as soon as I thought I was going to be okay, another wave would hit and I would be just as devistated as before.

I think they only emotion I didn't feel was guilt. I didn't feel guilty for feeling the emotions I went through, or that I wasn't able to produce the child that I had already started to love. I didn't feel guilty about not finding a job after my last work contract had ended. I knew that I had to recover emotionally and mentally and that the emotions had to run their course.

I did however, feel disconnected from and betrayed by my body. I remember thinking, "I can't even make a baby - that's what I was made to do." My heart hurt. I was told that it would be okay and I couldy try to have another baby right away, which made me angry. I didn't want to get pregnant again right away. I didn't want to have another child growing in me while I was so hurt. And I really didn't feel right about trying to use another pregnancy to help me get over my loss. They just didn't understand.

One of my good friends told me of her moms experience when she lost her twins. She recalled a conversation on the phone where her mom said "Your twin siblings would be this old today." She asked if her dad remembered the date and her moms reply was no. While my friend and I were talking, she said that while your friends and family might be there to support you in an event like this, you really are dealing with it on your own. After that conversation I carefully looked at my interactions and conversations with those who are dear to me and realized that she was right. As much as my friends and family didn't want me to hurt anymore, I was on my own, and I was the only one who could help me.

I remember a short period of time where I felt like eating food was a waste. As much as I knew that it was the furthest thing from the truth, I didn't think that I was worth wasting the food I ate. And since I knew that these thoughts were untrue, I made myself eat, and I made myself eat well the entire time I felt that way about eating.

As time went on, the waves of emotion got stronger and there is one specifically that was absolutely the worst. I was out grocery shopping and even though I'd been abstaining from sexual activity while I was ovulation, I had "pregnancy test" on my shopping list. I walked up and down the aisles and put the things I needed in my cart, but for whatever reason (and the reason now escapes me) I decided not to buy a pregnancy test.

Well, I can tell you, that on the drive home I was absolutely regretting the decision. I was hyperventilating, my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel, my muscles were tense - I was having a panic attack and worrying that (even though I'd been abstaining from sex) I might be pregnant. I'd already passed the drug store and was over the bridge to get home, I decided that it would be best to drive to either of the two stores by my house. I walked into the first one and speed walked to the hygiene section. No pregnancy tests. I went across the parking lot to the next store. Bolted to the hygiene section on the verge of tears. No pregnancy test. "Well isn't this just my luck?" I braced myself for the (very short but seemingly forever) drive across the bridge to the Rexall.

The end result - I wasn't pregnant. I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with my loss and also deal with being pregnant before I wanted to be again. It was also this panic attack that made me think that I had to start seeing someone that I could talk to. I got a hold of the mental health director in my area and she set me up with a great counsellor named Nancy. My first appointment all I did was cry. And throughout our sessions Nancy asked hard questions that really made me think and sometimes didn't even know how to answer.

The funny thing was, that very shortly after we started our sessions, I started thinking that things were getting better and I wouldn't have to do many more sessions and even though I was always expecting another wave of emotion to hit - it didn't. The last session I had, I ultimately cancelled, because I'd just found out that I was pregnant again and had an ultrasound in the afternoon after my morning session with Nancy. I really didn't want to take the chance of being upset by the time I was supposed to be getting the ultrasound. I wanted to make sure (and needed to know) things were okay before I saw Nancy again. Even though the woman doing my ultrasound wasn't supposed to tell me anything, I told her that I'd had a miscarriage, that I was going out of town for two weeks and wouldn't be able to see my doctor until I got back. She turned the screen around to face me and showed me what was going to be the baby I'm carrying now. Just the tiniest thing. So far it was just a yolk and sac. (In my previous pregnancy, there was no yolk or anything, jsut an empty sac) I had hope then. "I have a yolk!" I was in between 4 and 5 weeks, so really, we couldn't see ANYTHING... lol.

On the drive home somebody close to me said, "You're going to be a mom!" and I replied with, "We'll see..." They looked at me and said, "You are supposed to be the positive one, you aren't supposed to talk like that." All I could say in return was, "Look, I would rather be pessimistic about this and be wrong than get my hopes up and be excited and then be knocked on my ass again."

I went on my trip to visit my friends and family feeling a little more at ease. I dealt with nausia and my first actual experience with morning sickness (while I was sick with a cold, nonetheless) I had my sister give me a lot of reassurance and advice... and an awesome pregnancy pillow. I had my mom scold me for not taking it easy enough or for picking up my nieces and nephews - in her defense, one of my nieces is eight and my two year old nephew is the size of a four year old. Understandable, right? Shortly after I got back from my trip and I'd settled back in at home, I contacted Nancy and told her that I was doing well and no longer needed our sessions and thanked her for all the help she'd given me.

As time has gone by, I've grown more comfortable and excited with believing that things are going to be okay. I don't push myself when I'm doing my chores or walking the dog. I try to listen to my body as much as I can. I eat well most of the time. I sleep and rest when I have to. I make it a priority to not worry about things and and try to be calm and relaxed for my sake and my babies sake.

Now I'm nearly 14 weeks and in my last ultrasound I saw my baby kick and squirm. I laughed and was so overwhelmed at this amazing little person growing inside of me, litt heart beating and trying to get that little thumb in it's mouth.

I still get sad sometimes when I think about my first pregnancy and how excited I was when I took my pregnancy test and saw those two little lines. How shattered I was when I found out that it might not work out. How devistating it was when I found out that the pills didn't work, that I was still pregnant and had to have surgery. I think about all the crying I did and how I felt about myself and my body and all of the emotions that came afterward. And I think about how we have so much to look forward to in our life together.

And somehow, it's all worth it.

Body Image and Miscarriage - My Experience Part I

This is a topic that I wanted to cover shortly after I had my miscarriage and when I started the Body Image series (which, to be perfectly honest, I still have to finish... I have about 3 or 4 other body image posts just waiting in my drafts)

I think that body image is a tough topic to tackle on it's own. I think it's especially difficult to discuss when body image is combined with a loss that is as deep reaching as a miscarriage. And in truth, people don't openly discuss miscarriage. Sure, we talk about it with our close family members and friends or maybe even more distant family members or friends you don't see or talk to as often if they bring it up, but it's not widely discussed beyond those boundaries. Even doing a web search of miscarriage and body image, I found very little.

And with good reason. You feel betrayed by your body; some women feel guilty and it's easy to feel like there is something wrong with you or that you're defective.

My experience, was a roller coaster ride to say the least. For those who know me personally or have read my blog previously will know that in March I had to go to the hospital. I didn't know I was having a miscarriage for sure, but I wanted to be safe and be checked out. In the pregnancy books they tell you that with a miscarriage you feel severe pain and may have severe bleeding. I didn't have anywhere near severe pain, and there wasn't plenty of blood either. So I was hopeful that things would be okay and at most I would have to quit my job and take it easy at home.

That was the start of my miscarriage.

They found that my pregnancy hormone hCG wasn't nearly as high as it should have been. I was at the hospital for hours, had blood tests done and had an ultrasound. They told me I had to go home for two days and then come back to see if there was an improvement or if my hormones continued to decline. (I think we know what ended up happening) These two days were the most stressful I can think of in my short life, and it was full of worry, crying and not knowing what might happen. The doctor who had been taking care of me gave me some pills to help my body clear out what it needed to in a bit shorter of a time frame. I was sad, but I found a little comfort in the fact that there was nothing I could have done to change things. I went home and back to work. I was doing okay.

At a two week check up, they did more blood tests and another ultrasound - I was still pregnant. Oh-FUCK! The pills they gave me didn't work, and they didn't have much hope that they would work after a second dosage. They gave me some time to think about what I wanted to do. I decided that rather than take another course of the meds and possibly be disappointed again in another two weeks to go the day surgery route. I scheduled a D&C that took place in April. The recovery time was a week.

By the end of April, I had been dealing with the same miscarriage for a month, had day surgery - the exact thing they refused to discuss in the first place (Not that I would have chosen the day surgery at that point anyway)

I remember coming out of my snooze after the surgery, there was a woman talking to me saying that I was in the hospital and I was doing really well and that we were done. She asked how I felt, and (with closed eyes, since I was groggy) I felt a single tear roll down my cheek as I said "That was supposed to be my first baby..." I guess she already had a tissue on hand, because she wiped away my tear and put the tissue in my hand.

Pretty much as soon as I was coherent, I looked down at my belly. It was big, swollen and empty. It felt a lot like pizza dough. I've never seen my belly that big and it was strange.
Afterward, I felt A LOT better than I expected mentally. I remember talking to my sister on the phone saying the exact same thing to her. And I remember her saying something like, "Ohhhh honey, it hasn't hit you yet." She knew what she was talking about through her own experiences.

And little did I know, she was exactly right. It hadn't hit me yet, and it was just the beginning.

It's Been A Heck Of a While, Hasn't It?

Hi there reader!

It's been brought to my attention that it's been ages since I wrote and it's not something that's escaped my mind. My (few) readers will know that I launched this blog after a miscarriage and subsequently gained quite a bit of weight due to comfort eating. I wanted to have something in my control since my emotions were not in my control. (Far from it)

I've delayed writting anything recently because well, I have good news - I'm expecting a little bundle towards the end of April!

I did wait to tell a lot of people that I am with child and have only very recently made it 'Facebook Official". I was very cautious (and a little nervous) at the beginning of this pregnancy. I listen a lot to what my body is telling me. I rest or sleep when I'm tired, I eat when I'm hungry... and I eat even when I'm not hungry. I still get out and walk my dog and am staying relatively active. I've focused a lot on being relaxed and not getting too worked up about the negative or annoying things in life.

This pregnancy is also going really well so far. I'm at the end of my first trimester and so far and I have a little lime sized bundle growing inside me. My family doctor says things are looking really great so far.

All that being said, I haven't thought about the direction this blog will take and it's a little puzzling to try and figure out where I want it to go. Should I direct it more towards having a healthy attitude towards life/health blog? Should I direct it to more a "These are my thoughts" blog? I'm unclear on where I want this to go so far.

What is your opinion? What do you want to read?



A picture of my most recent preggo belly shots

A picture of my most recent preggo belly shots.