Right after my day surgery, I was surprised how well I seemed to be doing mentally(Along with everyone else who knew I miscarried). I think it took me about two weeks for the emotions to really hit me - and when they did it felt like a speeding train had just knocked me on my ass. The emotions came in waves and just as soon as I thought I was going to be okay, another wave would hit and I would be just as devistated as before.
I think they only emotion I didn't feel was guilt. I didn't feel guilty for feeling the emotions I went through, or that I wasn't able to produce the child that I had already started to love. I didn't feel guilty about not finding a job after my last work contract had ended. I knew that I had to recover emotionally and mentally and that the emotions had to run their course.
I did however, feel disconnected from and betrayed by my body. I remember thinking, "I can't even make a baby - that's what I was made to do." My heart hurt. I was told that it would be okay and I couldy try to have another baby right away, which made me angry. I didn't want to get pregnant again right away. I didn't want to have another child growing in me while I was so hurt. And I really didn't feel right about trying to use another pregnancy to help me get over my loss. They just didn't understand.
One of my good friends told me of her moms experience when she lost her twins. She recalled a conversation on the phone where her mom said "Your twin siblings would be this old today." She asked if her dad remembered the date and her moms reply was no. While my friend and I were talking, she said that while your friends and family might be there to support you in an event like this, you really are dealing with it on your own. After that conversation I carefully looked at my interactions and conversations with those who are dear to me and realized that she was right. As much as my friends and family didn't want me to hurt anymore, I was on my own, and I was the only one who could help me.
I remember a short period of time where I felt like eating food was a waste. As much as I knew that it was the furthest thing from the truth, I didn't think that I was worth wasting the food I ate. And since I knew that these thoughts were untrue, I made myself eat, and I made myself eat well the entire time I felt that way about eating.
As time went on, the waves of emotion got stronger and there is one specifically that was absolutely the worst. I was out grocery shopping and even though I'd been abstaining from sexual activity while I was ovulation, I had "pregnancy test" on my shopping list. I walked up and down the aisles and put the things I needed in my cart, but for whatever reason (and the reason now escapes me) I decided not to buy a pregnancy test.
Well, I can tell you, that on the drive home I was absolutely regretting the decision. I was hyperventilating, my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel, my muscles were tense - I was having a panic attack and worrying that (even though I'd been abstaining from sex) I might be pregnant. I'd already passed the drug store and was over the bridge to get home, I decided that it would be best to drive to either of the two stores by my house. I walked into the first one and speed walked to the hygiene section. No pregnancy tests. I went across the parking lot to the next store. Bolted to the hygiene section on the verge of tears. No pregnancy test. "Well isn't this just my luck?" I braced myself for the (very short but seemingly forever) drive across the bridge to the Rexall.
The end result - I wasn't pregnant. I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with my loss and also deal with being pregnant before I wanted to be again. It was also this panic attack that made me think that I had to start seeing someone that I could talk to. I got a hold of the mental health director in my area and she set me up with a great counsellor named Nancy. My first appointment all I did was cry. And throughout our sessions Nancy asked hard questions that really made me think and sometimes didn't even know how to answer.
The funny thing was, that very shortly after we started our sessions, I started thinking that things were getting better and I wouldn't have to do many more sessions and even though I was always expecting another wave of emotion to hit - it didn't. The last session I had, I ultimately cancelled, because I'd just found out that I was pregnant again and had an ultrasound in the afternoon after my morning session with Nancy. I really didn't want to take the chance of being upset by the time I was supposed to be getting the ultrasound. I wanted to make sure (and needed to know) things were okay before I saw Nancy again. Even though the woman doing my ultrasound wasn't supposed to tell me anything, I told her that I'd had a miscarriage, that I was going out of town for two weeks and wouldn't be able to see my doctor until I got back. She turned the screen around to face me and showed me what was going to be the baby I'm carrying now. Just the tiniest thing. So far it was just a yolk and sac. (In my previous pregnancy, there was no yolk or anything, jsut an empty sac) I had hope then. "I have a yolk!" I was in between 4 and 5 weeks, so really, we couldn't see ANYTHING... lol.
On the drive home somebody close to me said, "You're going to be a mom!" and I replied with, "We'll see..." They looked at me and said, "You are supposed to be the positive one, you aren't supposed to talk like that." All I could say in return was, "Look, I would rather be pessimistic about this and be wrong than get my hopes up and be excited and then be knocked on my ass again."
I went on my trip to visit my friends and family feeling a little more at ease. I dealt with nausia and my first actual experience with morning sickness (while I was sick with a cold, nonetheless) I had my sister give me a lot of reassurance and advice... and an awesome pregnancy pillow. I had my mom scold me for not taking it easy enough or for picking up my nieces and nephews - in her defense, one of my nieces is eight and my two year old nephew is the size of a four year old. Understandable, right? Shortly after I got back from my trip and I'd settled back in at home, I contacted Nancy and told her that I was doing well and no longer needed our sessions and thanked her for all the help she'd given me.
As time has gone by, I've grown more comfortable and excited with believing that things are going to be okay. I don't push myself when I'm doing my chores or walking the dog. I try to listen to my body as much as I can. I eat well most of the time. I sleep and rest when I have to. I make it a priority to not worry about things and and try to be calm and relaxed for my sake and my babies sake.
Now I'm nearly 14 weeks and in my last ultrasound I saw my baby kick and squirm. I laughed and was so overwhelmed at this amazing little person growing inside of me, litt heart beating and trying to get that little thumb in it's mouth.
I still get sad sometimes when I think about my first pregnancy and how excited I was when I took my pregnancy test and saw those two little lines. How shattered I was when I found out that it might not work out. How devistating it was when I found out that the pills didn't work, that I was still pregnant and had to have surgery. I think about all the crying I did and how I felt about myself and my body and all of the emotions that came afterward. And I think about how we have so much to look forward to in our life together.
And somehow, it's all worth it.
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