The Difference Between Comfort Eating & Healthy Eating In Pregnancy

This entry is based on my experience with how I felt while I ate healthy - as well as when I ate less nutritious foods while I was pregnant.

Much like anyone, pregnant or not, one major point I noticed while I was eating healthier and more nutrient rich foods is that I had more energy and I felt better physically. I mean, even when I was eating healthy, I did have periods of time where I was still physically fatigued - let's face it, that's part of pregnancy, and can happen to anyone, pregnant or not, thanks to a variety of factors, say... a bad nights sleep?

On the opposite arc, when I ate nutrient deprived foods, I had lower energy and was more sluggish. As my pregnancy progressed, I noticed that I couldn't eat as much junk food and that eating the amount that I could pre-pregnancy and early in pregnancy actually made me feel physically ill. What do I usually want to do when I feel ill? Well, drink a tall glass of water and go have a nap or go to bed a little earlier. How did that work out? Well, I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like I needed to throw up. I could still smell the food I'd eaten earlier in the air, and boy! Thanks to hormone changes and heightened sense of smell, those smells were very potent - which didn't make me feel any better at the time. There was even one night I woke up feeling not only like I had to throw up, but I also had really bad diarrhea. Not a fun night for me, I can tell you that much.

Another huge difference I took note of - Victoria moved a LOT less when I ate crappy food with little or no nutritional value, even if it is loaded with sugar! And she moved quite a lot when I eat food that's good for us. I never would have guessed that this would be the case. It's becoming more and more apparent to me that junk food is toxic and that the habit of eating these junk/comfort foods is an addiction.

One thing I can say - if my baby didn't want it when she was in utero, why the hell should I be eating that crap?

What do you think about the eating habits of North Americans? Do you feel that pregnant women take licence to eat whatever they want whenever they want because they are preggo? Or have you noticed pregnant women you know making a conscious effort to eat healthy with a few treats thrown in?

Don't forget to scroll down past the comments and feed the goldfish!

Preggo Lady Survey 39 Weeks

39 weeks

How far along: 39 weeks - nearly there!

Weight gain: 40 lbs - from 175 to 215

Innie or outtie: I asked someone if I was an innie or an outtie a little while ago since it's hard for me to see my belly button without manipulating my stomach, apparently, I have a 'flattie'.

Maternity Clothes: 3 pairs of pants - one pair I've mostly stopped wearing recently because I can see the seam on the bum starting to stretch out, and it would be really embarrassing if the bottom of my pants ripped in public. A few mat shirts, but I also have shirts from regular stores that I could grow into. I also recently bought a couple nursing bras. Most comfortable bras EVER! I know they're not exactly 'mat wear' but they should be.

Sleep: Still doing pretty well. I only get up once, maybe twice a night to pee.

Pregnancy Perks: Being rushed to the front of the public washrooom line, people tend to move out of your way in a crowded area and having doors opened for you.

The downside? Getting shirts dirty in places
you can't see

Any downsides? Some people don't realize that with a belly, you need more room to get by. I mean, you really can't squish though spaces the same way. That AND with not being able to see the bottom of your belly, you could have something on the bottom part of your shirt and not even know it! (In my case, it's often dishwater, flour, chocolate from baking or some other such thing)

Any random strangers come up out of nowhere and touch your belly? No, thank God. I have people I know (or kind of know) touch my belly, which isn't a big deal to me. It wouldn't be a huge deal to me if another preggo came up and touched my belly. But if anyone else came up and touched my belly, I'm not sure how I would handle it.

Embarrassing Pregnant Moment: Still don't really have one.

Lastest Baby Purchases: Some more crib sheets; a playpen with bassinet attachment off of the Toys R Us registry (Yes, I bought the playpen... *grumblegrumble*) For the first while, Victoria will be spending her nights in the master bedroom - as suggested by Health Canada.

Latest Baby Gift: My friend Katherine sent me some really pretty flower headbands and an udder cover for when I breastfeed in public.

Movement: Big rolls and jabs. Most of the time she doesn't hurt me though

Food Cravings: Hmmm. Nope.

Food Aversions: I haven't really wanted to eat pork.

How's Mama? Still doing really well and still comfortable. I was telling one of my friends that with how well things are going and how comfortable I am still, she could be two weeks late if she wanted - although, I do REALLY want to meet her.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Meeting my little girl, being able to sleep/lay down on my tummy again, be able to see if I have anything anywhere on my shirt

My Baby in Veg/Fruit Terms: A watermelon!

What Do I Think My Baby Will Look Like? Blonde/light brown hair, greenish-blue eyes, chubby little cheeks but a long/lean little body.
Natural/C-Section/Drugs? Natural with a midwife baby. (Although if I have to, I will do whatever it takes to get Victoria out safely. And if I have a LONG and hard delivery and I need relief, I am open to taking drugs... I've made it very clear that I'd rather be encouraged to do without rather than have my support group just agree with me that I need the drugs)

Signed up for any classes? I've done my prenatal classes, preperation for labour classes (Mostly about comfort measures) and breastfeeding 101 - a GREAT class! I learned some new things, techniques I didn't know about, and just random bits of info.



My newly developed stretch marks. Funny, most of them
are on my left side, and fewer are on my right side.

Stretch Marks? I have some on my bum, a few on the very tops of my thighs where my legs meet my torso, and on the bottom of my belly. Am I ashamed or will I cover them up at the beach this year? No way. My body is doing something awesome.

Are you ready for it to be over? I'm ready to meet her, but she can come whenever she wants.

Any weird dreams? Not weird dreams... but I've had a few dreams that it's going to be a boy... which freaks me out a little bit because I originally thought that we were having a boy, just a feeling. If we do end up having a boy? Plus side, we have a name picked out. Down side? He'll be wearing girl clothes for a little while - but I did buy gender neutral clothes... I don't want our little girl to be dressed in pink from head to toe... that's a lot of pink to handle.

Preggo Lady Survey! 36 Weeks

How far along: 36 weeks today

Weight gain: 35 lbs

Innie or outtie: Innie still - but my deep deep belly button is really shallow now!

Maternity Clothes: Three pairs of maternity pants, one Thyme Maternity night gown, and a couple of maternity tops. Lots of 'regular clothes' that I bought from regular womens fashion stores that I could grow into. No maternity underwear or compression stockings.

Sleep: Not too bad. I still only get up once or twice a night to pee with no problems getting back to sleep. Sometimes when I get up to pee I am pretty hungry too, so I do a 'sleepy preggo waddle' to the fridge and break off a piece of cheese to satisfy my hunger until the morning.

Pregnancy Perks: Being rushed to the front of the public washroom line. Thank goodness for women who have been there :) Being told to have a sit down, have a lay down or a nap :)

Embarrassing Pregnant Moment: Farting at prenatal yoga. Not super loud. Not even during a position that could really squeak it out of me.
Lastest Baby Purchases: A couple little outfits from my local baby consigment store. 1 Osh Kosh summer jumper Victoria can wear this year, 1 Old Navy jumper and 1 Old Navy dress that she can wear at 18-24 months and 1 pair of size 1 shoes.

Latest Baby Gift: Cute pink Bat Girl onsie footy pajamas that my friend Caroline saw and bought for me. They won't fit Victoria for quite a while, but she will grow into them!

Movement: Big rolls! It is WAY more entertaining to watch my belly as opposed to anything movie or TV show. It makes me laugh, smile and sometimes I tear up.

Food Cravings: Still no real food cravings.

Food Aversions: I haven't eaten eggs since the beginning of my pregnancy. Other than that, no real food aversions since the first trimester

How's Mama? I'm doing fantastic. A lot of my pregnant friends can't wait for it to be over, between heartburn, back pain, swelling, vericose veins and just about everything else... but me? I've had it pretty easy. Some pain when she sits on my sciatic nerve, swollen feet and ankles every now and then and a little bit of fatigue. Other than that (Which isn't much to complain about - and I've been told I don't really complain) I'm doing great and I'm feeling good.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Having my mom come to visit after Victoria is born. More baby gifts in the mail. Being able to eat things I haven't been able to for months (feta and goats cheese?! Yum! Subway sandwiches? Yes please. A glass of wine? I'd love one, thank you very much)

My Baby in Veg/Fruit Terms: What the heck is a crenshaw melon? Length: more than 18 1/2 inches, head to heel and weighs about 6.5 lbs
Next Doctor (In my case, midwife) Appointment: April 5th. The first of my weekly visits

What Do I Think My Baby Will Look Like? Blonde/light brown hair, greenish-blue eyes, chubby little cheeks but a long/lean little body.
Natural/C-Section/Drugs? Natural with a midwife baby. (Although if I have to, I will do whatever it takes to get Victoria out safely. And if I have a LONG and hard delivery and I need relief, I am open to taking drugs... I've made it very clear that I'd rather be encouraged to do without rather than have my support group just agree with me that I need the drugs)

Signed up for any classes? Yup! I've done Prenatal Classes, Preparing For Labour,  Prenatal Yoga. I'm just waiting for Breastfeeding 101 in a couple of weeks (Hoping she doesn't come before then, I REALLY want to reap the benefits of this class!)

Stretch Marks? I few on my bum, a few on my legs where my thighs meet my torso but not a lot. None on my tummy or back.

Are you ready for it to be over? I'm still pretty comfortable. I'm not in any rush.

Any weird dreams? Not weird dreams... but I've had a few dreams that it's going to be a boy... which freaks me out a little bit because I originally thought that we were having a boy, just a feeling. If we do end up having a boy? Plus side, we have a name picked out. Down side? He'll be wearing girl clothes for a little while - but I did buy gender neutral clothes... I don't want our little girl to be dressed in pink from head to toe... that's a lot of pink to handle.

Productive Day and Self Timed Mat Photos

Hiya Everyone! Here's some reading music for you :) I really like this song, although, I rarely listen to it. (I really could listen to it every day though :D )

 



Today I have been super productive, which is always a good feeling. In addition to doing the things that I do every day already, (Make the bed, make breakfast and lunch, dishes, hair and makeup etc) I've made some cherry chocolate muffins, which I have been meaning to get around to making FOREVER! And man, I am regretting not getting around to it sooner, because they are SO good! They have a combination of dried cherries, dark chocolate and hazelnuts that is ah-may-zing and that I never would have thought of myself. I ended up giving half the batch to my next door neighbour and one to my mailman because I normally wouldn't  be able to get through a full batch by myself... in hindsight, I may have made an error in giving them away - I think I might be able to get through those ones really quickly.

I also made a recipe that I found on Pinterest which is supposed to be a healthy version of chocolate mousse, made with coconut milk, cocoa powder and some powdered sugar. I don't think my coconut milk was full fat, so it turned out more like chocolate pudding in my opinion - I'm saving it for after dinner, so I'll make my full assessment afterwards (Not that I've dipped my fingers in already while it's been setting... :D)

I also took some maternity photos using the self timer setting on my little point and shoot camera. Considering that I took the photos myself using the self timer, I'm pretty pleased with how they turned out. Here are just a few of the ones that I took, with minimal editing.

Today, I am 34 weeks and 2 days along. Soon, I think that I will post another "pregnancy survey" post.

Some things just don't change

 

 



How has your week been and what have you been up to these days? Are you already looking forward to the weekend like I am?

What I've Learned About Pregnancy So far

Here are some things that I've learned in my experience as a pregnant lady. I'm sure there are TONS of things I've left out or forgotten and that I'll add more as time goes on.

Buy maternity clothes when you need them. I didn't put off buying mat clothes - which I think did WONDERS for my body image during pregnancy. Clothes that fit? Fantastic! Clothes that are too tight? Probably would make you feel like crying. I also slowly stored pre-pregnancy clothes that were getting too snug in bags in the basement so I didn't feel bad about having nothing to wear - even though my drawers were full. Really, I felt better having my drawers mostly empty with a few things I could fit into rather than full drawers and spending tons of time in front of the mirror finding reasons why I couldn't wear a certain clothing item.

You still need to wear pads. Seriously, if you don't have more discharge, you might pee a little when you might not have before.

Take a breather. Let other people do things for you that you would normally do. I don't take out the garbage, bring the laundry baskets to the basement for washing, lift up my printer when I need to get it from the bottom of my closet. I also walk slower and take my time. Not only does it make me feel like I have (sort of) normal lung capacity, but you won't get as many shooting pains in your hips and down your legs when your baby decides it's a good day to be sitting on your siatic nerve.

If you are tired, grumpy and not enjoying your pregnancy, try taking more stuff off of your "To Do" plate and deligate. Deligating is a really wonderful thing.

SPEAK UP! Tell people what you need from them. Whether it be a hug, to just leave you alone or to do a task that you really don't want to do. Or you know, a really fantastic foot rub.

Your back will start to hurt and really gets strained. Go see a chiropractor, massage therapist or accupuncturist, even if you don't go on a regular basis, it could really help.

Your boobs might leak before your baby even arrives. (Or you can squeeze liquid out - but it would probably be better if you don't, I received some advice to not to because it could potentially bring on your milk early and possibly jump start labour, I still have yet to confirm this with my health care provider though. Still, better safe than sorry.)
*Edit since writing this in first draft: I still have yet to confirm this, but in my prenatal classes, your placenta has to be delivered before your milk can come in... 3-5 days after birth. And until your milk comes in, you'll be feeding your baby colostrum. To read about colostrum, check out: http://www.llli.org/faq/colostrum.html It's pretty cool... and again, it shows you how specialized your breast milk is for your baby. (I didn't know until I read on this site that colostrum acts as a laxitive helping your baby to pass early stools. Who knew?)

When you and your baby get bigger and you can feel him/her move more, it's not advisable to watch videos about spiders on Youtube... it's strange to feel your baby move around when you're watching a spider crawl across your computer screen.

It's not necessary to buy everything new. Your baby won't know and won't care if they have expensive brand name clothes or baby gear. All the clothes I bought, my crib and stroller (after checking to see if they met safety standards), sheets, receiving blankets and burp cloths, diaper bag are bought second hand at either Value Village or my local kids consignment store.

The things that I did buy new?

• Car seat for sure. I would never buy a used car seat (unless I knew the people who were giving it to me really well, that if was never in an accident, that it hasn't been recalled, if it comes with the instructions, has no missing parts and the expiration date hadn't passed yet. It is illegal to sell car seats that don't meet current regulatory requirements.
• Breast pump. Some can't be santized from what I understand. Do I really want someone else's old breast milk on my boob or in my babies bottle? No, not really.
• Bottles. I probably could have gotten gently used ones, but again, santitation issues as well as I wanted a "as close to breast feeding" bottles and nipples as I could get.
• My cloth diapers. Another thing that I could have bought used, but preffered to buy new. For me, it would be an issue of not knowing for sure what the previous user washed them with, if they were exposed to anything that might be an irritant as well as a sanitation issue.

Comfortable slip on shoes/boots that are easy to put on will be your best friend

When you're waiting in line for a public washroom, you'll be rushed to the front of the line from women who have been there and know how badly you have to go. (Thank you.)

When you have to eat - you have to eat. No getting around it, get nourishment ASAP. I keep small packages of raisins, mixed nuts and gum or hard candies in my purse and car for those "I need to eat RIGHT. NOW!" moments that kick you in the face. That was I have something healthy (if I go for the raisins or nuts) at my finger tips and I'm not tempted to go through a McDonalds drive thru. I also try to remember to bring a piece of fruit and a bottle of water with me when I go out. (But no one will fault you for getting an Ice Capp or a McFlurry and fries when you get hungry. In fact, most people will just smile at you.)

Your nipples will get *really* big in comparison to your cute pre-pregnancy nipples. Don't worry - they go back to normal eventually.

All the pregnancy "must haves" aren't necessary. One thing I am very happy to own - a big, long pregnancy pillow. BLISS!

I've only gotten a few (very small, nearly unnoticable) stretch marks,now, before you try to smash me into the ground, read this next bit - I've learned that that might be because I've gradually put on the weight and my skin has had more time to adjust to being stretched. Same goes for losing weight apparently - try to lose it gradually. I've heard more than one mama say that she didn't really have stretch marks during pregnancy, lost weight super fast and THEN had stretch marks afterwards. I don't put on lotion every time I get out of the shower. I used to put it on after every shower, but now I only really apply lotion when my skin is particularily dry. I have heard from an esthetitian friend that it *is* much more important to apply a lotion after you have your baby.

Getting in and out of the car is more difficult... only on the passanger side though, I've noticed it's a lot simpler on the drivers side, although I'm not sure why.

It is absolutely the best thing to make friends with other pregnant women. I'm REALLY glad that I've started going to prenatal nutrition and prenatal yoga classes.

You will ALWAYS be amazed when you see your baby in an ultrasound, hear their little heart beating. On my way to my 12 week U/S I was in the WORST mood. It took me three hours to drive from my small town to the hospital I chose in the city, it took FOREVER to find parking (around an hour) because all the lots were full, I couldn't find the right building (there were five at this hospital), there were inconsiderate moms in the hospital who let their small children run amoke that disturbed patients and staff and I REALLY had to pee. Once I was in the examination room and that screen went on, none of it mattered. I was seeing my baby (!!!), who had changed A LOT from the blob she was since I saw her last at 6 weeks. She was moving and kicking - she had a fantastic and well defined nose (a really good sign according to the person preforming my U/S) It was amazing. I may have went in pissed off, but I came out beaming so hard, my face hurt.

It is *really* important to have a health care provider that you like, doesn't make you feel rushed, answers your questions and fully and in detail, and who doesn't take your concerns lightly. And it's REALLY nice when they are easy to get a hold of. (The doctor who performed my D&C told me that when I got pregnant again to call his office to make an appointment with him - no referal necessary. So when I got pregnant again, I called. Every time I called, his receptionist said he'd already gone home, she hadn't seen him so far or that he had the day off. By the time she did eventually talk to him and called me back, she told me that I'd have to go to my family doctor and get a referral. *insert your choice of words here* This is not what a woman who has had a miscarrage wants to hear - especially if she's been told to call and that no referral would be necessary.

It's important to enjoy it. Your body is AMAZING! You are growing a person!

Oh, The Changes One Year Can Bring

It was something that was said at my baby shower, "It's amazing the changes one year can bring..." and it's true. It's AMAZING.

In the past year, one of my girlfriends pointed out, that two of us were now pregnant (one of our babies has been born now), one of us got married and another has received her visa and is now a citizen of our beautiful country. (We're glad we get to keep her :D ) All of our years have been full of ups and downs, but the closer I get to my due date, my more profound it is to me.

One year ago today, I would have already known that I was pregnant. My first pregnancy ever. I couldn't wait to share the news. And I didn't feel bad about spreading the word. I told friends, I told my hair stylist from where I used to live, I told pretty much all my family. My cousins, my favourite aunt, my grandparents, mom, dad, sister and brother and the list goes on.

A few weeks from now (last year) I found out I was having a miscarrage. And after that, I would find out that the pills that were supposed to help my body "clear things out" and recover from my miscarrage more quickly didn't work - and that I was still technically pregnant with a child that would never be.

One month after the beginning of my miscarrage, I went to the hospital with a few loved ones and underwent day surgery. A D&C since my body couldn't get expel the fetal tissue by itself. A month of being "pregnant"

I can tell you, that there were lots of tears, some anxiety, shock and a delayed (albeit short) stint of depression. I remember talking to my sister on the phone shortly after my D&C and saying that I felt fine mentally, and *really* I was okay. I remember her on the other end quiet... and then said gently, "Oh honey, it hasn't hit you yet..." I remember thinking,  (I might have even rolled my eyes a little) "Hasn't hit me? It's not going to, I'm fine." And little did I know, it hadn't hit me yet - I was just in shock. And THEN the emotions and crying came.

Waves and waves of emotions and crying. After one wave would pass, I'd feel great and think, "Okay! That was the end of that, let's move on with life." And then shortly after, another wave would come rolling in and it felt like the undertow would take me below the surface and I couldn't breathe. I would panic and start to wonder when this would end. I got tired of thinking that maybe I was okay, just to be knocked on my ass again. Eventually, I just expected the waves of sadness to come - and ironically,  when I expected them to come - they stopped. And really, thank goodness, because after a month of going through a miscarrage, surgery and dealing with the loss, I was glad when it was over - even if I did expect another wave to hit me for quite a while.

I think that the volunteer work that I did, the time I spent outdoors for the spring/summer and getting a new dog really helped to pull me though, along with the amazing support I had despite being so far away from home and my family.

And today, I am 32 weeks pregnant and going into my 33rd week. My little girl is rolling around and throwing punches - and she is REALLY strong. And *really* active. It hits me almost every day that in a few short weeks I'll be strapping her into the carseat (which I'm going shopping for today) and taking her home - it's such a wonderful thought and I can't wait until that day is realized.

The difference this past year has made is huge and profound. How I went from mourning the loss of a child that I would never meet to anticipating the arrival of another - I can't even begin to explain. The transformation and how far I've come. From sorrow and having no interest in even thinking about starting to try and have a family; and then starting to be okay with the possibility of trying again; and then going through the process of being prenant - even with the doubt and anxiety and frequent visits to the doctor and having to get ultrasounds early on to feel like this really might happen. Really getting from that low point to being at peace with the way things are.

I can look back at me and my situation a year ago, and not be sad or cry or feel like something is missing. (I feel like I've started rambling since the beginning of the last paragraph, so maybe I should wrap it up... it's clear in my head how I feel, but I'm not sure I have the words to express it clearly...)

I guess, if I could tell me from one year ago anything, it would be that everything will work itself out and you will be okay. Those waves will come and and feel like you're being pulled out to sea, but you're heading somewhere new and wonderful... but for heavens sake girl, keep that life jacket strapped on tight, and make sure you don't lose your bikini!

Body Image and Miscarriage - My Experience Part II

Right after my day surgery, I was surprised how well I seemed to be doing mentally(Along with everyone else who knew I miscarried). I think it took me about two weeks for the emotions to really hit me - and when they did it felt like a speeding train had just knocked me on my ass. The emotions came in waves and just as soon as I thought I was going to be okay, another wave would hit and I would be just as devistated as before.

I think they only emotion I didn't feel was guilt. I didn't feel guilty for feeling the emotions I went through, or that I wasn't able to produce the child that I had already started to love. I didn't feel guilty about not finding a job after my last work contract had ended. I knew that I had to recover emotionally and mentally and that the emotions had to run their course.

I did however, feel disconnected from and betrayed by my body. I remember thinking, "I can't even make a baby - that's what I was made to do." My heart hurt. I was told that it would be okay and I couldy try to have another baby right away, which made me angry. I didn't want to get pregnant again right away. I didn't want to have another child growing in me while I was so hurt. And I really didn't feel right about trying to use another pregnancy to help me get over my loss. They just didn't understand.

One of my good friends told me of her moms experience when she lost her twins. She recalled a conversation on the phone where her mom said "Your twin siblings would be this old today." She asked if her dad remembered the date and her moms reply was no. While my friend and I were talking, she said that while your friends and family might be there to support you in an event like this, you really are dealing with it on your own. After that conversation I carefully looked at my interactions and conversations with those who are dear to me and realized that she was right. As much as my friends and family didn't want me to hurt anymore, I was on my own, and I was the only one who could help me.

I remember a short period of time where I felt like eating food was a waste. As much as I knew that it was the furthest thing from the truth, I didn't think that I was worth wasting the food I ate. And since I knew that these thoughts were untrue, I made myself eat, and I made myself eat well the entire time I felt that way about eating.

As time went on, the waves of emotion got stronger and there is one specifically that was absolutely the worst. I was out grocery shopping and even though I'd been abstaining from sexual activity while I was ovulation, I had "pregnancy test" on my shopping list. I walked up and down the aisles and put the things I needed in my cart, but for whatever reason (and the reason now escapes me) I decided not to buy a pregnancy test.

Well, I can tell you, that on the drive home I was absolutely regretting the decision. I was hyperventilating, my knuckles were white from gripping the steering wheel, my muscles were tense - I was having a panic attack and worrying that (even though I'd been abstaining from sex) I might be pregnant. I'd already passed the drug store and was over the bridge to get home, I decided that it would be best to drive to either of the two stores by my house. I walked into the first one and speed walked to the hygiene section. No pregnancy tests. I went across the parking lot to the next store. Bolted to the hygiene section on the verge of tears. No pregnancy test. "Well isn't this just my luck?" I braced myself for the (very short but seemingly forever) drive across the bridge to the Rexall.

The end result - I wasn't pregnant. I was so relieved that I didn't have to deal with my loss and also deal with being pregnant before I wanted to be again. It was also this panic attack that made me think that I had to start seeing someone that I could talk to. I got a hold of the mental health director in my area and she set me up with a great counsellor named Nancy. My first appointment all I did was cry. And throughout our sessions Nancy asked hard questions that really made me think and sometimes didn't even know how to answer.

The funny thing was, that very shortly after we started our sessions, I started thinking that things were getting better and I wouldn't have to do many more sessions and even though I was always expecting another wave of emotion to hit - it didn't. The last session I had, I ultimately cancelled, because I'd just found out that I was pregnant again and had an ultrasound in the afternoon after my morning session with Nancy. I really didn't want to take the chance of being upset by the time I was supposed to be getting the ultrasound. I wanted to make sure (and needed to know) things were okay before I saw Nancy again. Even though the woman doing my ultrasound wasn't supposed to tell me anything, I told her that I'd had a miscarriage, that I was going out of town for two weeks and wouldn't be able to see my doctor until I got back. She turned the screen around to face me and showed me what was going to be the baby I'm carrying now. Just the tiniest thing. So far it was just a yolk and sac. (In my previous pregnancy, there was no yolk or anything, jsut an empty sac) I had hope then. "I have a yolk!" I was in between 4 and 5 weeks, so really, we couldn't see ANYTHING... lol.

On the drive home somebody close to me said, "You're going to be a mom!" and I replied with, "We'll see..." They looked at me and said, "You are supposed to be the positive one, you aren't supposed to talk like that." All I could say in return was, "Look, I would rather be pessimistic about this and be wrong than get my hopes up and be excited and then be knocked on my ass again."

I went on my trip to visit my friends and family feeling a little more at ease. I dealt with nausia and my first actual experience with morning sickness (while I was sick with a cold, nonetheless) I had my sister give me a lot of reassurance and advice... and an awesome pregnancy pillow. I had my mom scold me for not taking it easy enough or for picking up my nieces and nephews - in her defense, one of my nieces is eight and my two year old nephew is the size of a four year old. Understandable, right? Shortly after I got back from my trip and I'd settled back in at home, I contacted Nancy and told her that I was doing well and no longer needed our sessions and thanked her for all the help she'd given me.

As time has gone by, I've grown more comfortable and excited with believing that things are going to be okay. I don't push myself when I'm doing my chores or walking the dog. I try to listen to my body as much as I can. I eat well most of the time. I sleep and rest when I have to. I make it a priority to not worry about things and and try to be calm and relaxed for my sake and my babies sake.

Now I'm nearly 14 weeks and in my last ultrasound I saw my baby kick and squirm. I laughed and was so overwhelmed at this amazing little person growing inside of me, litt heart beating and trying to get that little thumb in it's mouth.

I still get sad sometimes when I think about my first pregnancy and how excited I was when I took my pregnancy test and saw those two little lines. How shattered I was when I found out that it might not work out. How devistating it was when I found out that the pills didn't work, that I was still pregnant and had to have surgery. I think about all the crying I did and how I felt about myself and my body and all of the emotions that came afterward. And I think about how we have so much to look forward to in our life together.

And somehow, it's all worth it.